well I can't set my house on fire every night
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up
i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one
ravioli
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
Randomize
