Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
