I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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