clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
ha so i just found a picture of you eating paper towels and many of Laura freaking out from it.
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
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