you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Randomize
