Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
Fuckkkk i made out with a freshman.....but he's old for his age. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOURE NOT AROUND.
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
Think of all the island guys I could have. Ah well.
You can not bait me into a "how Stella got her groove back" call and response.
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
