i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
Randomize
