God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
Randomize
