I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
Well I could just do a roadtrip and hit them all. Slut tour 2012.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
Randomize
