I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
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