My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Randomize
