Got a toothbrush?
someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
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