Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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