hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
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