need another drink. this is the easiest way
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
Randomize
