There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
Randomize
