i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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