There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
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