You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
Heyyyy, naked guy in your kitchen, can i ask you a quick question about a legal situation in pb??
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
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