i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
Randomize
