its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Randomize
