i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
Operation Purity has been aborted
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
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