I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
I wonder how skeet ulrich feels about the skeet skeet phrase and and what it denotes.
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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