I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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