Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
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