were you the shorter or taller girl out of you two
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
Randomize
