My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Randomize
