I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
