The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
I need to align my fucking chakras
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
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