i hate sounding clingy, but i just wanted to verify i wasn't an asshole in your mind
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
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