Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
Randomize
