Omg Kevin Jonas is engaged!!!!!!
Omg really? To who. Gay marriage is only legal in like 3 states.
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
I think I sprained my soul last night
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
Randomize
