I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
Randomize
