FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
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