Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
This show inspires me to have sex in space
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
I know I'm not a hook-up kind of chick but he is a firefighter & an EMS worker. I felt like maybe I'd be a good person if I let a good person inside of me
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
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