So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
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