I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
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