i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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