he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
I need a beard to bite.
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
Randomize
