The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
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