If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Randomize
