My hand turned me down
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize
