i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize
