Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
Randomize
