If i come over, it means nothing
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
Sober January is a disaster.
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
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