Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
The only thing I really remember is repeating "I hope I still have a job on Monday". Oh and pulling my boob out of my dress.
So I take it the company Christmas dinner went well then...
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
He took a picture with a naked dude. I think he just walked out of that deep ginger closet.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
Randomize
