I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
So, what my linguistics project should really be called is "I happen to sleep/makeout with a lot of bilinguals and am now using them to help me graduate"
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
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