My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
The topic of sex in the jamba banana suit has come up on multiple occasions. We're just waiting for a moment to try it out.
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
Randomize
