Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize
