Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
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