i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
Randomize
