i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
Randomize
