I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
