dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
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