where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
Between the hair pulling and the choking its its more like combat than sex
Sorry I have an "Operation Iraqi Freedom" fantasy
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
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