The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Randomize
