life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
found an empty one..2nd door on the right...i'm already naked.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
Success! We fucked roommates!
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