I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
I feel like I shouldn't be encouraging my friends to hook up with their teachers.....but if it's for academic reasons....then I definitely encourage it.
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
Randomize