Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
Randomize
