dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
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